Montessori Moments. . .
Making and Mending Mistakes
By Chip DeLorenzo, M.Ed.
Here are two of my favorite quotes about learning from our experience:
“Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.” ~ Bob Packwood
“Experience is not the best teacher, it is the only teacher.” ~ Joe Keegan
What did you learn about mistakes as you grew up? Did you learn that they were bad, or that you were inadequate or unacceptable if you made them? Did you learn to manipulate so that you didn't get caught making mistakes? Did you learn to hide them, and avoid being seen as someone who makes mistakes? Did you learn to judge others when they made them, and fear the judgment of others when you made them?
Most of us adopted some of these ideas about mistakes as we grew up. Ironically, if you ask most adults where they learned their greatest lessons and gained their wisdom it was from their own life experience, or rather from making mistakes. So, why is it that we are so afraid to make them, when they really are a veiled opportunity to grow?
It's funny how when we are most afraid to make mistakes we seem to make them more often - then comes the feeling of inadequacy and the tendency to hide our mistakes. Of course when we seek to hide our mistakes or justify them, then we lose the opportunity to learn and grow from them and to fix them, and to allow others to learn from them as well. We also isolate ourselves from others and miss the opportunity to develop stronger relationships.
Mistakes are an opportunity to learn. Have you ever worked in a place where it was OK to make a mistake and to learn from it? A home, classroom or workplace that allows for imperfection and also provides the means to learn and grow from making mistakes is an emotionally and intellectually safe place where people tend to thrive, feel good about themselves, build strong relationships, learn from one another and become capable problem-solvers. When adults or children feel the freedom to make mistakes and the trust to learn from them they feel accepted and empowered.
Creating an environment for children where it is OK to make and learn from mistakes starts with us, and how comfortable we feel in making mistakes, how we respond to children when they make them, what we teach them to do when they make them, and what we do when we make them.
Creating an environment where it’s OK to make mistakes:
When we, as adults, make mistakes that may have caused hurt feelings it is important to make amends. This builds trust, forgiveness and most importantly an environment where it is OK to make mistakes. Sometimes adults have difficulty in making amends to children because they are worried that if they show vulnerability that the children will become manipulative, or that the adult will be excusing poor behavior on the child's part. Other adults over apologize because they are over-worried that their mistakes are harming their children or that their children will reject them if they make too many mistakes. It can be safely said that if we follow some simple guidelines that these pitfalls can be easily avoided. When we take responsibility for our actions, children will often follow suit. As well, a sense of trust gets built, and feelings of guilt and shame are often replaced with a sense of closeness and forgiveness and mutual respect.
Guidelines to making amends to children and teaching children how to make amends (the 3 R's):
It is amazing how forgiving children can be, and how quickly they can forget our mistakes if we take responsibility and fix them. It is equally amazing how much they will follow our lead in taking responsibility for their own actions if they have a good model.
Here are two of my favorite quotes about learning from our experience:
“Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.” ~ Bob Packwood
“Experience is not the best teacher, it is the only teacher.” ~ Joe Keegan
What did you learn about mistakes as you grew up? Did you learn that they were bad, or that you were inadequate or unacceptable if you made them? Did you learn to manipulate so that you didn't get caught making mistakes? Did you learn to hide them, and avoid being seen as someone who makes mistakes? Did you learn to judge others when they made them, and fear the judgment of others when you made them?
Most of us adopted some of these ideas about mistakes as we grew up. Ironically, if you ask most adults where they learned their greatest lessons and gained their wisdom it was from their own life experience, or rather from making mistakes. So, why is it that we are so afraid to make them, when they really are a veiled opportunity to grow?
It's funny how when we are most afraid to make mistakes we seem to make them more often - then comes the feeling of inadequacy and the tendency to hide our mistakes. Of course when we seek to hide our mistakes or justify them, then we lose the opportunity to learn and grow from them and to fix them, and to allow others to learn from them as well. We also isolate ourselves from others and miss the opportunity to develop stronger relationships.
Mistakes are an opportunity to learn. Have you ever worked in a place where it was OK to make a mistake and to learn from it? A home, classroom or workplace that allows for imperfection and also provides the means to learn and grow from making mistakes is an emotionally and intellectually safe place where people tend to thrive, feel good about themselves, build strong relationships, learn from one another and become capable problem-solvers. When adults or children feel the freedom to make mistakes and the trust to learn from them they feel accepted and empowered.
Creating an environment for children where it is OK to make and learn from mistakes starts with us, and how comfortable we feel in making mistakes, how we respond to children when they make them, what we teach them to do when they make them, and what we do when we make them.
Creating an environment where it’s OK to make mistakes:
- Use the phrase, “Mistakes are an opportunity to learn.” often.
- When children make mistakes, behaviorally or technically, use reflective questioning to help them process what they just experienced vs. giving lectures:
- What happened?
- How did that happen, or what caused that to happen?
- How are you feeling?
- What did you learn?
- What's your plan for next time?
- Etc.
- Admit your own mistakes when you make them (see the “3 Rs” below)
- Teach children to make amends and to take responsibility – this is often the easier path, no?
- Avoid punitive parenting styles where children “get in trouble” for making mistakes.
- Offer encouragement whenever your child(ren) take responsibility for a mistake. “Thank you for taking responsibility for your mistake, that means a lot to me.” “I notice that you admitted your mistake openly. That must have taken a lot of courage.”
- If you are like me, and have a keen eye for the mistakes that others make (I call this “mental red ink”), use that same perceptual skill to identify the specific things that your children do well. This is hard for those of us who are born critics, so if you have difficulty doing this, then here's a suggestion: Take a situation (homework, soccer game, chores around the house, etc.) and inventory only the good things that your child is doing – be specific. Write them down if you need to, and then let them know what you observed. After a few times of doing this you'll notice that the same talent that you have for identifying the flaws in others can be used to identify their strengths.
When we, as adults, make mistakes that may have caused hurt feelings it is important to make amends. This builds trust, forgiveness and most importantly an environment where it is OK to make mistakes. Sometimes adults have difficulty in making amends to children because they are worried that if they show vulnerability that the children will become manipulative, or that the adult will be excusing poor behavior on the child's part. Other adults over apologize because they are over-worried that their mistakes are harming their children or that their children will reject them if they make too many mistakes. It can be safely said that if we follow some simple guidelines that these pitfalls can be easily avoided. When we take responsibility for our actions, children will often follow suit. As well, a sense of trust gets built, and feelings of guilt and shame are often replaced with a sense of closeness and forgiveness and mutual respect.
Guidelines to making amends to children and teaching children how to make amends (the 3 R's):
- Recognize the mistake. Take responsibility simply and directly, without any excuses.
- Yes: “I yelled at you. You didn't deserve that.”
- No: “I yelled at you because you were talking back to me.”
- Reconcile by apologizing. Avoid explaining why, and acknowledge any harm.
- Yes: “That must have hurt your feelings. I’m sorry.”
- No: “I'm sorry. I was really tired and cranky from a long day.”
- Resolve the problem by working on a solution together or asking what you can do to make it right. Avoid lecturing and conditional problem-solving.
- Yes: “How can I fix this?”
- Yes: “What could we do, together, to avoid this happening in the future?”
- No: “I won't yell at you anymore, if you will clean up your room on time.”
- No: “You should be ready in the morning for school and I won't have to yell.”
It is amazing how forgiving children can be, and how quickly they can forget our mistakes if we take responsibility and fix them. It is equally amazing how much they will follow our lead in taking responsibility for their own actions if they have a good model.
Winter Field Day Pictures
Connection Before Correction
By Chip DeLorenzo, M.Ed
When I first started teaching, over 20 years ago, one of the “pearls of wisdom” that many new teachers heard was to never let the children see you smile before the holiday break. The intent, I'm sure, was to convey the importance of setting consistent and predictable limits with children, and establishing your roles as the adult in the classroom. This makes sense, as many new young teachers attempt to win children over by being their friend rather than their teacher. However, both approaches are incomplete. One lacks warmth and the other lacks firmness.
Decades of research in teaching and parenting styles have revealed that children thrive when the adults in their lives are both warm and firm at the same time. As a matter of fact, in direct contradiction to the advice I was given as a new teacher, children need a sense of connection with the adults in their lives before correction can be truly effective, long-term.
Recently, I asked my oldest son to get his younger brothers and sisters for dinner. I had just finished making some macaroni and cheese, and had it ready for the children at the kitchen counter/bar. In a few minutes, my son was back downstairs and engaged in something other than eating the macaroni and cheese; and his brothers and sister were still upstairs. My instinct was to reprimand him, or guilt him into getting his siblings so they could eat and appreciate all my hard work. However, what I did was to approach him and give him a big hug, tell him how much I loved him, and then asked kindly, with a smile, where his siblings were. His response was, “Oh, they didn't come down, let me go get them.” And he did.
Why does this work? In simple terms, children (and adults) do better when they feel better. They do worse when the feel worse, or are under stress. One school of thought tells us that people will be motivated to do better when they experience the consequences for their actions (meaning negative consequences). However, what we have learned from recent brain research is something very different. When people are under stress (angry, afraid, upset, frustrated, etc.), they are functioning from the right brain and limbic system. The limbic system is responsible for regulating memory and emotion. However, reasoning, using logic, or learning a life lesson happens on the other side of the brain, and the use of the per-frontal cortex is needed for such activity. So, for children to learn from their mistakes, they need to be using the left side of their brain. Here's the rub: the left side of the brain doesn't work well until the right side is calmed down. And, one of the primary ways for the right brain to calm down is through a sense of connection, especially if the connection is non-verbal (the left side of the brain is responsible for verbal processing). The non-verbal connection can come from a knowing and loving smile, a hug, or warm eye contact. After the connection, the left brain and pre-frontal cortex begin firing on all cylinders and children can then process what your guidance and correction.
When I gave my son a hug, it helped both him and me. I was reminded, too, of how much I loved him and how important he is to me. He could feel a sense of connection, and his left brain could process my message to him. In this instance, I could simply give him a gentle reminder through a question, and he could absorb the subtle cue, and make his own decision, keeping his dignity in-tact. Now, I will freely admit, that in the moment, not all this information was running through my mind. I simply used a tool or principle that I knew to be effective for my son, and for me, and I employed it in order to get the kids to the table and to maintain peace in my relationship with my son.
This principle of connecting before correcting can be used in many ways. With older children, it may take the form of a conversation where a parent sits down with their child and asks them questions to truly understand where their child or adolescent is really coming from, truly seeking to understand their point of view. Of course, this means starting by putting aside the adults agenda, so it is critical that the adult is calm and open, themselves, before engaging in this conversation. Many adults find that after such a conversation, both the adult and the child have a deeper sense of connection with one another. The adult has a better understanding of the child's perspective (even if that perspective is not completely accurate, as may be the case with teens), and the child feels understood – and isn't that what most older children and teens really want! When this has occurred, real problem solving can take place.
With younger children, a key element to developing connection is the adults physical approach to the child. Adults are sometimes 4 to 5 times the size of a young child. That size difference can be intimidating, especially if the adult has an angry or frustrated expression. Intimidation might get short term results, but long-term this only invites rebellion or submission. So, crouching down, giving a hug, and letting a young child know how much you love them before you correct them is key to being effective long-term, and will help them learn the important life-lessons which parents have the wisdom teach.
When I first started teaching, over 20 years ago, one of the “pearls of wisdom” that many new teachers heard was to never let the children see you smile before the holiday break. The intent, I'm sure, was to convey the importance of setting consistent and predictable limits with children, and establishing your roles as the adult in the classroom. This makes sense, as many new young teachers attempt to win children over by being their friend rather than their teacher. However, both approaches are incomplete. One lacks warmth and the other lacks firmness.
Decades of research in teaching and parenting styles have revealed that children thrive when the adults in their lives are both warm and firm at the same time. As a matter of fact, in direct contradiction to the advice I was given as a new teacher, children need a sense of connection with the adults in their lives before correction can be truly effective, long-term.
Recently, I asked my oldest son to get his younger brothers and sisters for dinner. I had just finished making some macaroni and cheese, and had it ready for the children at the kitchen counter/bar. In a few minutes, my son was back downstairs and engaged in something other than eating the macaroni and cheese; and his brothers and sister were still upstairs. My instinct was to reprimand him, or guilt him into getting his siblings so they could eat and appreciate all my hard work. However, what I did was to approach him and give him a big hug, tell him how much I loved him, and then asked kindly, with a smile, where his siblings were. His response was, “Oh, they didn't come down, let me go get them.” And he did.
Why does this work? In simple terms, children (and adults) do better when they feel better. They do worse when the feel worse, or are under stress. One school of thought tells us that people will be motivated to do better when they experience the consequences for their actions (meaning negative consequences). However, what we have learned from recent brain research is something very different. When people are under stress (angry, afraid, upset, frustrated, etc.), they are functioning from the right brain and limbic system. The limbic system is responsible for regulating memory and emotion. However, reasoning, using logic, or learning a life lesson happens on the other side of the brain, and the use of the per-frontal cortex is needed for such activity. So, for children to learn from their mistakes, they need to be using the left side of their brain. Here's the rub: the left side of the brain doesn't work well until the right side is calmed down. And, one of the primary ways for the right brain to calm down is through a sense of connection, especially if the connection is non-verbal (the left side of the brain is responsible for verbal processing). The non-verbal connection can come from a knowing and loving smile, a hug, or warm eye contact. After the connection, the left brain and pre-frontal cortex begin firing on all cylinders and children can then process what your guidance and correction.
When I gave my son a hug, it helped both him and me. I was reminded, too, of how much I loved him and how important he is to me. He could feel a sense of connection, and his left brain could process my message to him. In this instance, I could simply give him a gentle reminder through a question, and he could absorb the subtle cue, and make his own decision, keeping his dignity in-tact. Now, I will freely admit, that in the moment, not all this information was running through my mind. I simply used a tool or principle that I knew to be effective for my son, and for me, and I employed it in order to get the kids to the table and to maintain peace in my relationship with my son.
This principle of connecting before correcting can be used in many ways. With older children, it may take the form of a conversation where a parent sits down with their child and asks them questions to truly understand where their child or adolescent is really coming from, truly seeking to understand their point of view. Of course, this means starting by putting aside the adults agenda, so it is critical that the adult is calm and open, themselves, before engaging in this conversation. Many adults find that after such a conversation, both the adult and the child have a deeper sense of connection with one another. The adult has a better understanding of the child's perspective (even if that perspective is not completely accurate, as may be the case with teens), and the child feels understood – and isn't that what most older children and teens really want! When this has occurred, real problem solving can take place.
With younger children, a key element to developing connection is the adults physical approach to the child. Adults are sometimes 4 to 5 times the size of a young child. That size difference can be intimidating, especially if the adult has an angry or frustrated expression. Intimidation might get short term results, but long-term this only invites rebellion or submission. So, crouching down, giving a hug, and letting a young child know how much you love them before you correct them is key to being effective long-term, and will help them learn the important life-lessons which parents have the wisdom teach.
Alumni spotlight
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Eve Corbett, 2013 DMS graduate, and Lincoln Academy sophomore, was recently accepted into the Greenheart Program, as an exchange student in Japan for the upcoming school year. The Greenheart Program's mission is to help individuals reach their full potential through travel and cultural exchange, leading to a more tolerant, peaceful and environmentally sustainable world. What a perfect fit for a Montessori alumni!
Eve not only was accepted, but received a scholarship for the program. Consideration for the cultural exchange requires that students have at least an 85 grade average, strong teacher recommendations and proof of basic language skills as evidenced through exams and transcripts. The program is extremely competitive. Eve won one of only 10 slots available to students in North America! Eve will be living with a family in Japan for 10 months (Aug 2015 -June 2016) attending a Japanese school. She will be responsible for attending all the same classes as the Japanese students, and will be given credit by Lincoln Academy towards graduation. She will be expect to be a "good citizen" in all ways including school and after school activities, and will take a correspondence course in English to get her junior year English credit. A true Montessori student, Eve began to plan for her goal as a freshman. She needed to make sure she took all the required classes so that if accepted she could still graduate on time. She had to maintain a high GPA, and be in good emotional and physical health as well as be considered a good citizen at school. She did all of this while taking several honors classes. After being accepted to Greenheart she then went in front of a committee at LA to request approval which awarded her a $4000 scholarship towards the program. The committee head stated that she was a most deserving student. He was very excited for her and thought she demonstrated the motivation and maturity they are looking for in a candidate. Congratulations Eve! |
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Did you know? |
Famous montessorians: |
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Did you know that 75% of all DMS graduates, since the inception of the Middle School program, have qualified for high school Honors Math and Science as freshman!
Fun facts
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Maybe you've heard of a few of these:
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research and montessori
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Every year new educational research is coming to light that is validating the practices of Montessori education. This makes sense, since Maria Montessori was a scientist. What is incredible, is that after 100 years, the methods used to help children learn and develop, not only stand up to the test of time, but are being lauded as revolutionary.
One of the unique components of Montessori education is that the focus is on the process of learning and long-term understanding, across the curriculum, and not rote memorization and abstract content recall. This is a drastic shift from the type of education that most of us experienced. Furthermore, it is a drastic shift from the current trend of hyper-focus on product driven standardized testing. One of the areas this is most easily seen is in the Montessori math curriculum. As a group, Montessori graduates are very strong math students. Why? The focus of the Montessori materials is to develop long-term mathematical relationships and operations, and numerical reasoning. This process starts at age 3, and continues throughout the elementary grades. Not only does approaching mathematics with the focus on understanding produce successful math students, current research is suggesting that rote memorization and test pressure can actually be damaging to students! Here is a terrific article out of Stanford that I think you might enjoy as Montessori parents: http://news.stanford.edu/news/2015/january/math-learning-boaler-012915.html |
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